Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Don't Do That Tuesday

I've decided that my blog needs some regular weekly features. Why? I have a list of really well thought-out reasons...that I don't remember because I came up with them after dipping into the bourbon I bought to make Derby pie this weekend...but the conviction stuck even if the reasons didn't, so today I present to you the first installment of "Don't Do That Tuesday". "Don't Do That Tuesday" will be a weekly feature in which I regale you lovely readers with cautionary tales from my own life warning y'all against displaying the kind of stupidity that haunts me daily. I suspect I'll have to get a bit choosy as a week's worth of Meg mistakes could probably take up 8 or 9 blog posts' worth of space, but since I just came up with this idea, here are the mistakes I've made in the past 18 hours or so:

Don't do that #1: If you haven't been eating dairy for several months because your son has a severe allergy, do not, under any circumstances send your husband out for MagPies mini cupcakes and consume 5 of them in a PMS-fueled mania right before bed without taking a Lactaid. The resulting belly pain will keep you up all night with visions of tombstones reading, "Here lies Meg. Died when cupcakes stabbed her in the intestines". The consequences of all that sweet, buttery goodness may also wake your bedmate with...ahem...emanations so foul that he sits straight up in bed looking as if he's about to cry and shouts, "Dear God, why?!"

Note: Do not take this as a warning against purchasing and eating MagPies cupcakes. In fact, everyone within a 50 mile radius of Knoxville should go buy MagPies cupcakes (or pies or cakes or cookies) RIGHTNOW, because dear sweet and fluffy Lord they are the best things I've ever put in my mouth (and I'm not on the payroll anymore, so ya know I'm telling the truth), but if you're lactose intolerant, for God's sake, take a Lactaid first, dummy.

Don't do that #2: Do not attempt to hide packages of baby wipes from your thieving children by stacking them next to the rat cage.

Maybe they needed to towel off while running on the exercise wheel?

Rats are the hoardiest of hoarders. They will tear open a package of wipes and pull them one by one into the cage. Why? I have a couple of guesses:

1. Years of hearing phrases like, "you dirty rat" or "ew, gross, a rat" have given the entire species a wicked collective case of OCD and one wipe just can't get a rat clean enough. Neither can two. Or three. Or four. Or...well, you get the picture.

2. Remy and Romney (our rats) stole the wipes to weave into a rope they could lower down to escape from their cage into the magical outside world where a rat named Remy could run the best restaurant in Paris by sitting on some doofus' head and yanking his hair like puppet strings (still not clear how that one works) and a rat named Romney could run for president (sorry, it was just laying there, I had to take it).

Zat's eet, madame. Just bend zat head a leetle closer. I'm going to be zee best chef in all of Paree!!

Well, there you have it. Eat massive quantities of cupcakes without a Lactaid? Don't do that. Give baby wipes to rats? Don't do that, either. You're welcome.


  1. HAA! I'm going to LOVE this feature! I should have asked you to bring MagPies to our party!!! Gah :( Hindsight... 4 months late :(

  2. Now there's a Romney I'd vote for!

    1. You really shouldn't. He pees on people. I don't think that's very presidential behavior ;).

  3. Also, don't have your rat cage right below a window with really long curtains . . . I had rat nibbled curtains way longer than I had rats . . .

  4. I am SO FRICKIN EXCITED for every Tuesday from here to forever. Rats and farts make me laugh!

  5. Made me smile..of course, you always do. Hopefully you wont have to write these posts too long, because you'll..nah, I'll enjoy reading them every week!

  6. You always know how to get a girl to smile. Remy and Romney are the best rat names ever. Ever.