Only in Dreams...

As my Mega-meditation guru gig didn't really pan out the way I'd hoped (still waiting on that $19.95 y'all owe me...), I figured I'd branch out a bit. I shall now interpret dreams.

"But Meg," you might ask, "are you qualified to interpret dreams? Have you been trained in Jungian methods?"

To this, I reply, "I don't need training. I have God-given talent! Plus Jung was a total weirdo."

Just to give you a taste of my genius, the other night I had a dream that this guy who was really mean to Dylan in college (I'll call him Jerkface) was sitting on an enormous toilet in the middle of the lobby of a bank screaming, "I have a giant hemorrhoid!!!" When I awoke, I put my breathtaking powers of interpretation to work and the meaning of the dream became instantly clear: Jerkface is a giant ass. Just try and tell me I'm wrong about that. His name is Jerkface, for God's sake.

It's nice that he always wears that name tag so we don't forget...

Still not convinced? All right, I shall now proceed to shock and delight you with my interpretations of dreams several friends described to me.

Q: Dear Meg,

I once dreamt that I had a bunch of drugs in my trunk and when the nun who used to teach CCD classes wanted to look in my trunk I tried to slam it on her head and then shoved her . . . soooooo odd!

What do you think that means?

Sincerely, -->
Nun Kicker

A: Dear Nun Kicker,

You hate nuns and secretly want to become a drug trafficker.

Sincerely,
Meg

Q: Dear Meg,

I had a dream that the L&D unit where I work was a kids' funhouse with a ball pit and slides.

What do you think that means?

Sincerely,
Nurse of Funkytown

A: Dear Nurse of Funkytown,

It is your destiny to create a new natural birthing method. Practitioners must play on a specially-designed laboring woman playground while in labor. Right as the baby crowns, they must slide down the "Birth Canal" (a slide lubricated with 6 tubes of KY and a carton's worth of egg whites) and land in the "Pit of Gross" (a ball pit in which the balls are designed to resemble chunks of afterbirth).

You will be wildly successful.

Sincerely,
Meg

Q: Dear Meg,
The other night I dreamed that I was sleeping and my BFF came into my room, opened up my C-section scar and implanted 30 alligator eggs into it. I woke up and went to see my obstetrician and he was so not concerned.

What do you think that means?

Sincerely,
Gator Mama

A: Dear Gator Mama,

You need to get a new obstetrician. And a new best friend.

Also, if you feel the urge to slither around in the mud and eat manflesh, find a reputable surgeon (or veterinarian) immediately.

Sincerely,
Meg

Q: Dear Meg,
Last night I had this dream that Robert Downey Jr. was outside of my house begging me to open the door. Of course I opened the door in a very flirty way...but then he just ran in and hid behind my sofa and wouldn't come out.

What do you think that means?

Sincerely,
Hot for Iron Man

A: Dear Hot for Iron Man,

You are too sexy for Robert Downey, Jr. Tonight try dreaming about Clive Owen. You might have better luck.

Sincerely,
Meg

Q: Dear Meg,

I once had a dream where my friend Christy Awesomesauce came over with her family to my house to take me shopping and I was still in bed so the entire family came upstairs to get me but there was a car in the hallway in front of my door and I said they couldn't come in because of the car. All the kids got in the car while Mr. Awesomesauce took it apart. I also remember an Awesomesauce family picture on my wall behind the car. Then I got up and when I was getting ready in the bathroom, I was suddenly in the Awesomesauce house bathroom instead and it got swarmed with bats and Christy, Mr. Awesomesauce, and I started an epic battle and won against the bats. We never made it shopping.

What do you think that means?

Sincerely,
On Her Seventh Cup of Coffee

A: Dear On Her Seventh Cup of Coffee,

Your brain is a frightening maze of nonsense.

Sincerely,
Meg

Well, I think I've pretty much proven that I'm amazing at dream interpretation. Yep, I'm gonna be rich.

Oh, Nun Kicker, Nurse of Funkytown, Gator Mama, Hot for Iron Man, and On Her Seventh Cup of Coffee, that'll be $19.95, ladies. You're welcome.