Yesterday evening, Dylan went out to pick up some dinner and some
medicine for Ry. Ry and I were snuggling on the couch watching "Angel"
(shut up, I don't let the baby watch it, and Ry is surprisingly [or I
guess unsurprisingly] unaffected by slightly comic cheesy violence). We
had both just started to doze off when I heard a loud banging at my
door. I sprang up, completely groggy and fuzzy-brained, but 100% sure I
knew what was happening: a vampire was knocking on my door because he
wanted to eat my babies.
I ran over to the windows and shut and locked them and closed the blinds, cursing myself for leaving us so exposed to the creatures of the night. I snuck over to the door where I heard one vampire yell to another, "I don't think anybody's home". So there were two bloodthirsty demons in my yard. Uh oh. The vampire at the door yelled back, "No, I saw someone close the windows." Double drat. Why couldn't I have left well enough alone? Now the vampires knew I was home.
I began to look around for a weapon. Damn it, where were all our crucifixes?! Or is it crucifices? I don't know, but I sure wished I was a good Catholic right about then. I wondered if a Bible has a similar effect as I eyed the one on our bookshelf and decided if worst came to worst perhaps I could bludgeon them with it.
I was just considering whether I had the strength to break off two of the chair legs to use as crude wooden stakes when the first vampire banged on the door again. That's when I remembered something that would save my babies from becoming an all-you-can-eat smorgasbord of cuteness: vampires can't come into your house unless you invite them. "Sweet!" I thought, "We're saved!"
"Who is it?" I yelled through the door in my most threatening and slayery voice.
"We're with a church group, ma'am," hollered back the vampire.
Ha! Nice try, vampire.
"No thank you!" I growled back, peering through the peephole. It was then that I noticed that this vampire was quite old...mid 70s at least...and didn't appear to have any fangs. Still, I couldn't take any chances.
"Okay, I'll just leave this flyer in your door, then. Have a nice night, ma'am."
It wasn't until he was halfway down the driveway that I fully woke up and realized:
1. He wasn't a vampire.
2. He was an apparently sweet old man going around inviting people to a prayer group and I was just about to stake him with a chair leg.
3. Vampires don't exist.
And this is why I'm not allowed to read or watch anything violent in the evenings.
I ran over to the windows and shut and locked them and closed the blinds, cursing myself for leaving us so exposed to the creatures of the night. I snuck over to the door where I heard one vampire yell to another, "I don't think anybody's home". So there were two bloodthirsty demons in my yard. Uh oh. The vampire at the door yelled back, "No, I saw someone close the windows." Double drat. Why couldn't I have left well enough alone? Now the vampires knew I was home.
I began to look around for a weapon. Damn it, where were all our crucifixes?! Or is it crucifices? I don't know, but I sure wished I was a good Catholic right about then. I wondered if a Bible has a similar effect as I eyed the one on our bookshelf and decided if worst came to worst perhaps I could bludgeon them with it.
I was just considering whether I had the strength to break off two of the chair legs to use as crude wooden stakes when the first vampire banged on the door again. That's when I remembered something that would save my babies from becoming an all-you-can-eat smorgasbord of cuteness: vampires can't come into your house unless you invite them. "Sweet!" I thought, "We're saved!"
"Who is it?" I yelled through the door in my most threatening and slayery voice.
"We're with a church group, ma'am," hollered back the vampire.
Ha! Nice try, vampire.
"No thank you!" I growled back, peering through the peephole. It was then that I noticed that this vampire was quite old...mid 70s at least...and didn't appear to have any fangs. Still, I couldn't take any chances.
"Okay, I'll just leave this flyer in your door, then. Have a nice night, ma'am."
It wasn't until he was halfway down the driveway that I fully woke up and realized:
1. He wasn't a vampire.
2. He was an apparently sweet old man going around inviting people to a prayer group and I was just about to stake him with a chair leg.
3. Vampires don't exist.
And this is why I'm not allowed to read or watch anything violent in the evenings.
 |
| You take the big bad ones, Buffy. Leave the old men from church groups to me. |
I honestly wish I could have your genius. HILARIOUS!
ReplyDeleteShould have staked him, he was a Christian vampire! You never expect them, but they come to your door and try to suck you into their wonderful religion and make you a vampire too!
ReplyDeleteI shouldn't be allowed to watch anything scary or violent at night because I have ridiculous nightmares about being surrounded by zombies and stupid people. And I'm not sure which I'd rather ditch.
ReplyDeleteHAHAHA that is great!
ReplyDeleteHe might have been physically harmless, but once the door to door missionary types have a mind to save your soul, they can be pretty hard to get rid of...
ReplyDelete