Monday, September 10, 2012

If You Want to be Happy for the Rest of Your Life...

...find a nerdy guy, become his wife. Seriously. I have been happily romantically involved with a man who might be described as a geek, or nerd, or dork (or tastytastysupergenius if you want to be more charitable and accurate) for 11 years. We rarely fight, he's never forgotten my birthday and he still brings me flowers (or Sims expansion packs) when he knows I've had a bad day. While the nerd-as-romantic-champion is nothing new (see "Back to the Future", "Indiana Jones", "Bringing Up Baby"), I want to present to you my particular set of revelations as the very happy wife of a nerd as to why they make such excellent spouses:

1. They didn't get laid a lot (or at all) in high school: Apart from the obvious benefits of smaller chances of contracting STDs or having crazy ex-girlfriends coming out of the woodwork 10 years down the road with child support orders or racy topless texts, do you know what this means? They were probably "the friend". They were the guys who sat around for hours listening to their female friends complain about how hunkyhunkyfootballplayer dude wouldn't call them back. While this undoubtedly sucked for them at the time, it also gave them an excellent window into the female brain and unparalleled practice in listening when a woman is talking to you even if you're not interested in the subject matter. Dylan actually sat and listened to every single one of the 65 poems I wrote for my book of poetry even though poetry in general makes him want to take a long nap - and he gave meaningful feedback. Go Team Nerd!

2. They don't give a crap about sports: There are some exceptions to this rule, of course, but a lot of nerd/geeks aren't huge sports fans. What this means if you're a woman who also doesn't like sports is that you can make plans on a Sunday in the fall and he'll actually show up. It also means you never have to listen to someone screaming at your TV for 6 hours in a row (unless, of course, he's watching the terrible last season of "Battlestar Galactica"). What this means if you're a woman who does like sports is that you get 100% control of the remote every time there's a big game on and someone who will probably fetch you snacks and drinks in return for the promise of...ahem...other favors...

3. They always have the coolest gadgets: There is nothing more futuristic than a nerd's computer/gaming den. Bonus? They probably won't want you playing with their gadgets and will buy you your own. This also means you always have someone on hand who can effortlessly set up a wireless router or explain to you why your computer is making that weird clunky sound when it starts up (and maybe even fix it).

4. They've never lived in "the bubble": In case you haven't seen that 30 Rock episode, living in "the bubble" means that everyone treats you better automatically when you're attractive. Another way of saying this is that they never learned to rely on their good looks and/or sports skills to get by and thus have had to develop interests, conversational skills and a personality (not that there aren't well-rounded super-hot, super-athletic men...they're just harder to find in my experience). Do you know how I fell in love with Dylan? Over e-mail. I wasn't romantically interested in him right off the bat, but he wrote the funniest, most entertaining and well-written e-mails I'd ever read. The Keanu Reeves lookalike I was also "talking" to at the time wrote things like, "Wat up, babe? Just ate a sandwich." Which guy would you rather live with for the rest of your life?

5. They get better with age: When I met Dylan he was slightly chubby, had a questionably fashionable goatee and wore tech pants and the same 2 Ren & Stimpy T-shirts almost every day. Now he's a runner, embodies the nerdy-hot look that's trendy right now and regularly gets hit on by undergrad students (which doesn't concern me since he's generally oblivious to this kind of attention and because I could take those twiggy little beotches down if they tried anything). By the time he's 40, he'll probably be voted People's Most Beautiful Man. On the other side of the fence, I noticed at my 10 year reunion that some of the most popular guys from my high school had...how shall I put this...gone to seed...

6. They're not constantly worried about getting their man cards revoked: There are a lot of things that some men won't do because they're afraid it threatens their masculinity. These things run the gamut from buying tampons for a sick girlfriend to appreciating Jane Austen to letting their sons play dress-up in princess gowns if that's what they want to do. Nerdy guys have never been terribly concerned with fitting the standard American definition of "masculine" and thus are generally not chauvinistic a-holes who refuse to do the dishes when their wives have the flu because that's "not their job".

7. They'll expand your horizons: You will never know until you try, but you may be the world's biggest Star Trek fan, or you might get really into A Song of Ice and Fire (the Game of Thrones books), or find that you're nuts for comic books or role-playing games (not those kind of role-playing games...although...) or Cowboy Bebop (an anime series). Even if you try all of these things and discover they're not your cup of tea, you'll probably at least gain an appreciation for the artistry that goes into them and you'll understand that nerdy pursuits are just as valid as non-nerdy ones. Expanding your understanding of human behavior is never a bad thing.

8. They're curious: This will drive you crazy sometimes, but it is also what's going to keep your marriage interesting over the long haul. Nerds are always learning something new, which means they always have something new to talk to you about. Sometimes their manias may be unutterably dull, but you will at least learn a lot of factoids that will help you kick ass at Trivial Pursuit. This also means that they're more interested in learning things from you, which means they will actually listen to you when you talk...at least most of the time...

9. They don't care about keeping up with the Joneses:...unless, of course, the Joneses have just purchased a life-sized Stormtrooper model. Nerds don't care if they have the biggest house on the block, or the nicest cars, or the most well-dressed children. Appearances don't concern them, because they realize that substance is much more important. While this will inevitably annoy you when your nerd sends your daughter to school in her brother's shirt, snow pants, mismatched socks and with unbrushed hair, it's nice to be married to someone who's not putting the entire family in debt to reach some insane standard of living that won't make either of you happy anyway. They are also unlikely to criticize the way you keep up the house. If a nerd has clothes to wear, dishes to eat off of and can find his electronics without too much digging, he's happy.

10. They will never stop being grateful for you: Even though nerdy married or committed men have been securely involved in a romantic relationship for years, a tiny part of them still remembers being that 17 year old who took a "friend" (AKA closeted lesbian, someone who actually wanted to go with their more popular friend, or their cousin) to the prom. That tiny part will never stop being in awe of the fact that they get to see a woman naked. This will do wonders for a gal's self-esteem, especially after babies and time have begun ravaging the body. This also means that they will think about what might make you happy and try to do it whenever possible. And if making each other happy ain't what marriage is for, I don't know what is.

Well, there you have it: my top ten reasons why nerds make excellent husbands. I'm sure there are excellent non-nerdy husbands out there, too, but I wouldn't trade my nerd for any of them.



14 comments:

  1. <----Jealous of your nerdy husband says the girl who was forced to watch 6 hours of non stop football yesterday :/

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  2. So from your personal point of view, get a nerdy boy to marry you! ;)

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  3. Totally agree with #7!

    I married a jock/nerd hybrid and I love it. He will talk sci fi/fantasy until your face falls off, or he can talk about the ins and outs of every sport imaginable (no lie, I caught him discussing a cricket match with someone!)

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  4. Yay! So glad you have such an awesome husband! Mine isn't nerdy, but still pretty great!

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  5. love this post, and dylan, and you :)

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  6. My husband is a total nerd, but one of the rare sports fanatics exceptions you mentioned. He does play many, many fantasy leagues, though, which ups the nerdiness exponentially.

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    1. I have often argued that fantasy football is just Dungeons & Dragons for sports nerds. Sports nerds are definitely a valid subdivision of nerd!

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  7. I love my nerd! You seriously (minus the husband part *yet*) just described my existence. My nerdy nerdy boyfriend/partner is the best guy in the whole world. Instead of flowers, I get cool toys, like Nooks and blue-tooth operated machinery. I've been dubbed the "Jason Bourne of Gaming" in his friend circle, as I was never officially a gamer, but I can learn a game and whoop their butts in the same evening. The list goes on as to how awesome nerdy men are. Great post!

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    1. Jason Bourne of gaming, I love it!

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  8. my boyfriend is a nerd. He is wonderful and all the nerdy pros that you mention (all of them) Unfortunately, he likes sports. :( Sunday sucked.

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  9. My husband is a nerd, doesn't care for sports much, fixes everything and like your husband gets better looking with age. :-)
    YAY!

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  10. Hey, I have a sports nerd too!!! But what this effectively means for me is that my sports horizons have been broadened in the almost decade-long introduction I have had to how much sports are omg amazing and the end all be all of life. Amen. Oh, and my sports nerd is an exceptional dad. Except during a big game.

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