...find a nerdy guy, become his wife. Seriously. I have been happily romantically involved with a man who might be described as a geek, or nerd, or dork (or tastytastysupergenius if you want to be more charitable and accurate) for 11 years. We rarely fight, he's never forgotten my birthday and he still brings me flowers (or Sims expansion packs) when he knows I've had a bad day. While the nerd-as-romantic-champion is nothing new (see "Back to the Future", "Indiana Jones", "Bringing Up Baby"), I want to present to you my particular set of revelations as the very happy wife of a nerd as to why they make such excellent spouses:
1. They didn't get laid a lot (or at all) in high school: Apart from the obvious benefits of smaller chances of contracting STDs or having crazy ex-girlfriends coming out of the woodwork 10 years down the road with child support orders or racy topless texts, do you know what this means? They were probably "the friend". They were the guys who sat around for hours listening to their female friends complain about how hunkyhunkyfootballplayer dude wouldn't call them back. While this undoubtedly sucked for them at the time, it also gave them an excellent window into the female brain and unparalleled practice in listening when a woman is talking to you even if you're not interested in the subject matter. Dylan actually sat and listened to every single one of the 65 poems I wrote for my book of poetry even though poetry in general makes him want to take a long nap - and he gave meaningful feedback. Go Team Nerd!
2. They don't give a crap about sports: There are some exceptions to this rule, of course, but a lot of nerd/geeks aren't huge sports fans. What this means if you're a woman who also doesn't like sports is that you can make plans on a Sunday in the fall and he'll actually show up. It also means you never have to listen to someone screaming at your TV for 6 hours in a row (unless, of course, he's watching the terrible last season of "Battlestar Galactica"). What this means if you're a woman who does like sports is that you get 100% control of the remote every time there's a big game on and someone who will probably fetch you snacks and drinks in return for the promise of...ahem...other favors...
3. They always have the coolest gadgets: There is nothing more futuristic than a nerd's computer/gaming den. Bonus? They probably won't want you playing with their gadgets and will buy you your own. This also means you always have someone on hand who can effortlessly set up a wireless router or explain to you why your computer is making that weird clunky sound when it starts up (and maybe even fix it).
4. They've never lived in "the bubble": In case you haven't seen that 30 Rock episode, living in "the bubble" means that everyone treats you better automatically when you're attractive. Another way of saying this is that they never learned to rely on their good looks and/or sports skills to get by and thus have had to develop interests, conversational skills and a personality (not that there aren't well-rounded super-hot, super-athletic men...they're just harder to find in my experience). Do you know how I fell in love with Dylan? Over e-mail. I wasn't romantically interested in him right off the bat, but he wrote the funniest, most entertaining and well-written e-mails I'd ever read. The Keanu Reeves lookalike I was also "talking" to at the time wrote things like, "Wat up, babe? Just ate a sandwich." Which guy would you rather live with for the rest of your life?
5. They get better with age: When I met Dylan he was slightly chubby, had a questionably fashionable goatee and wore tech pants and the same 2 Ren & Stimpy T-shirts almost every day. Now he's a runner, embodies the nerdy-hot look that's trendy right now and regularly gets hit on by undergrad students (which doesn't concern me since he's generally oblivious to this kind of attention and because I could take those twiggy little beotches down if they tried anything). By the time he's 40, he'll probably be voted People's Most Beautiful Man. On the other side of the fence, I noticed at my 10 year reunion that some of the most popular guys from my high school had...how shall I put this...gone to seed...
6. They're not constantly worried about getting their man cards revoked: There are a lot of things that some men won't do because they're afraid it threatens their masculinity. These things run the gamut from buying tampons for a sick girlfriend to appreciating Jane Austen to letting their sons play dress-up in princess gowns if that's what they want to do. Nerdy guys have never been terribly concerned with fitting the standard American definition of "masculine" and thus are generally not chauvinistic a-holes who refuse to do the dishes when their wives have the flu because that's "not their job".
7. They'll expand your horizons: You will never know until you
try, but you may be the world's biggest Star Trek fan, or you might get
really into A Song of Ice and Fire (the Game of Thrones books), or find
that you're nuts for comic books or role-playing games (not those
kind of role-playing games...although...) or Cowboy Bebop (an anime
series). Even if you try all of these things and discover they're not
your cup of tea, you'll probably at least gain an appreciation for the
artistry that goes into them and you'll understand that nerdy pursuits
are just as valid as non-nerdy ones. Expanding your understanding of human
behavior is never a bad thing.
8. They're curious: This
will drive you crazy sometimes, but it is also what's going to keep your
marriage interesting over the long haul. Nerds are always learning
something new, which means they always have something new to talk to you
about. Sometimes their manias may be unutterably dull, but you will at least
learn a lot of factoids that will help you kick ass at Trivial Pursuit.
This also means that they're more interested in learning things from you, which means they will actually listen to you when you talk...at least most of the time...
9. They don't care about keeping up with the Joneses:...unless,
of course, the Joneses have just purchased a life-sized Stormtrooper
model. Nerds don't care if they have the biggest house on the block, or
the nicest cars, or the most well-dressed children. Appearances don't
concern them, because they realize that substance is much more
important. While this will inevitably annoy you when your nerd sends
your daughter to school in her brother's shirt, snow pants, mismatched
socks and with unbrushed hair, it's nice to be married to someone who's
not putting the entire family in debt to reach some insane standard of
living that won't make either of you happy anyway. They are also
unlikely to criticize the way you keep up the house. If a nerd has
clothes to wear, dishes to eat off of and can find his electronics
without too much digging, he's happy.
10. They will never stop being grateful for you:
Even though nerdy married or committed men have been securely involved
in a romantic relationship for years, a tiny part of them still
remembers being that 17 year old who took a "friend" (AKA closeted
lesbian, someone who actually wanted to go with their more popular
friend, or their cousin) to the prom. That tiny part will never stop
being in awe of the fact that they get to see a woman naked. This will
do wonders for a gal's self-esteem, especially after babies and time
have begun ravaging the body. This also means that they will think about
what might make you happy and try to do it whenever possible. And if
making each other happy ain't what marriage is for, I don't know what
Well, there you have it: my top ten reasons why nerds make
excellent husbands. I'm sure there are excellent non-nerdy husbands out
there, too, but I wouldn't trade my nerd for any of them.