Ladies' Boog

Well, it's time for those of you out in cyberspace who have been kind enough to wade through the Boog's tedious origins story (hey, don't blame me, have you ever read or seen a prequel that wasn't tedious?) to get to know present-day Boog.

In considering what I should write about in my first present-day Boog entry I asked myself, "What should the world know about the Boog?" Well, you should know that he has SPD, but I'm hoping you figured that out from the description of the blog and my last entry. If not...perhaps you too should consider having your neurological and psychological performance measured. I know some folks who can help you with that. E-mail me, we can chat.

Anyway, so he has SPD. He's also funny and exceptionally bright, but who the heck wants to hear another mother droning on about the astonishing engineering marvel that is their child's latest Lego creation...actually I probably will be doing that at some point, you know, if my kid ever gets over his infatuation with sticking his fingers in the holes in the bottom of the Legos long enough to actually stack 2 or 3 together...but I digress...

So, he has SPD and he's funny and smart, but above all, dearest reader, you should know that the Boog is first and foremost a ladies' Boog.

I first noticed my son's love for the ladies when he was still an infant. I was watching "Ellen" with him and Anna Faris was one of her guests. As soon as she came onscreen, little baby Boog lit up like a redneck's driveway on the Fourth of July. He smiled, he giggled, he waved his hands at the screen. I cracked up and called Dylan. "Oh," I said, "the Boog has himself a little Boog crush!" Little did I know how often this experience was to be repeated.

A few months later, I received my monthly issue of Shape magazine in the mail. There was a picture of Jenna Fischer from The Office in a bikini on the cover (side note: um, who knew?!). I put it on the coffee table where then-older-baby-Boog often pulled up to standing. The first time he pulled up to standing there and saw Jenna Fischer in a pink bikini smiling up at him, he squawked with surprise and then he grinned really big...and slightly creepily...and then more than slightly creepily put his finger on her face and ran it slowly down her body and then back up to her head again. He did this over and over until I took the magazine away from him. I was horrified. His father was beaming and saying, "That's my boy!" Men.

Shortly after that, the Boog began having real world crushes. Did he crush on any of the sweet little girls who he sees on playdates and at Little Gym or therapy sessions? No. To date, Boog has crushed on his EI teacher, his physical therapist, his occupational therapist, his speech therapist's assistant, Mommy's friend Lindsay, his auntie's friend Autumn, Mommy's BFF's younger sister Kimi, and in a slightly more disturbing turn, his second cousin Danyelle. Just today he was giving the flirt-eye to a student shadowing his occupational therapist. What do these ladies have in common? They are all very lovely ladies, but some are short, some are tall, some are blond, some are brunette, and some are redheads. They range in age from late teens to early thirties. Basically, Boog just loves him some older ladies!

The thing of it is, the ladies all fall for his flirty act. All he has to do is throw them one or two sidelong glances, smile a couple of sly smiles and maybe do a trick or two (i.e. showing them his yoga moves or how he can talk to his favorite page in a book), and they'll do just about anything for him. In physical therapy one day a few months ago, the Boog seemed unusually preoccupied with the pieces of anatomy that, as Michael Scott would say, "hang from milady's chest". I usually discourage my son from grabbing women's chests lest he grow up with a nickname like Gropey McGrabsalot, but his PT just laughed and asked, "Oh, did you nurse?" Um...no...this is the child who I pumped milk for for 9 months because he wouldn't go anywhere near my breasts. I assured her that he wasn't looking for lunch, he was merely doing his best drunken frat-boy impression and guess what she did?

She let him chase her boobs across the room!

She actually kneeled in front of him and scooted backward across the room and he followed her trying to grab her like a tiny, adorable sexual harasser. I would have been mortified if I wasn't so busy rolling around on the ABC carpet laughing my butt off. To her credit, she did get him to walk independently for several steps for the first time ever, so I guess she knew what she was doing, but it proves my point. Ladies will do anything for my roly-poly long-eyelashed Boog.

I tremble to think what his future may be like. He'll try to flirt his way out of taking spelling tests when he's 6. At 9, he'll be romancing the bus driver to reserve him his own seat in the front of the bus near her. At 13, he'll wink at his orthodontist and convince her to take his braces off a year early. By his mid-thirties, I'm betting he'll be looking for his Friday night dates at the old folks' home!

Look out, ladies, the Boog is coming.