Dear Dr. Satan,

Dear Dr. Satan,

Howdy. It's me. You know, the lady whose son's therapy hours you cut by 2/3. I realize that you probably are still scratching your head since you have the immense privilege of cutting so many children's therapy hours, but let's settle the point by saying I speak for all of those children's mothers, mmkay?

First of all, congratulations. I'm sure snagging this consulting gig for an insurance company was a major boon for you. Way to go. I'm not sure if you were born with no morals or you decided they were worth sacrificing for the extra paycheck, but regardless, good on you. I mean, it's not like you ever have to see the special needs kids whose services you decide to cut. It probably seems like a pretty victimless crime to you, right? Save the insurance company a little money, you make a little money, and the kid gets more free time to spend staring at ceiling fans and licking his sister. Win-win-win.

Secondly, how nice for you that you possess the psychic powers to know that Rylan's therapy hours weren't medically necessary without ever laying eyes on him. Have you considered taking on a third job at a psychic hotline? Because, seriously, I think you'd be really good at it. Actually, come to think of it, perhaps you should take on a fourth job as a lawyer, because you were remarkably good at twisting our BCBA's words back on her and talking over her loudly any time she tried to make a point. I mean, who needs to hear a trained professional (who's actually spent time with the child)'s opinion on the matter when there's a talented psychic like you around?

Thirdly, thank you for the very helpful suggestion that we could self-pay to make up the difference in the hours. You know, that just wouldn't have occurred to me in a million years! I'll just take that extra $2000 a month we have just laying around and pay for his therapy that way. I mean, I was just using it as back-up toilet paper when I forgot to go to the store, but this seems like a much more prudent use of it. Once again, you display amazing insight into the day-to-day life of a special needs family.

Fourthly, I wonder if I could make a small request. Could I have your home address? I promise to keep it a secret from my husband who, I fear, might use this knowledge to drive to your house and, well, beat the crap out of you. Gee, that would be awkward. My intentions are nowhere near that violent. Instead, I would like the opportunity to appeal your decision in a practical way. Yes, I realize, I can fill out all that paperwork and get more doctor and therapist testimonies and wait 90 days, but can we both agree that that just seems like a lot of additional work for poor tired bureaucrats like you. I think it would make more sense for me to drop Rylan off with you so you can observe his stellar undeserving-of-therapy behavior yourself for...oh...a week or so.

This would give you an opportunity to really make your case for how normal and undeserving of therapy he is. I mean, every kid sits at the table for 90 minutes for each meal because they're physically unable to chew any faster and the simple act of bringing food to their mouths is a fine motor task requiring tremendous effort and concentration, right? Plenty of nearly 4 year olds don't talk or play interactive games or have the ability to climb a single stair without falling, of course. And I'm sure it's perfectly normal for a child to sleep only 5 hours a night and wake at 2 a.m. to run around the house and yell, "Ah. Ah. Ah. Da. Ah. Ah. Ah. Gah. Ah. Ah." for the next 4 hours without stopping. I confess this to be the behavior I want you to examine the most closely. In a week's time you will have ample opportunity to experience the extreme uselessness of pillows-over-the-head and closed doors at shutting out that particular register of sound that Ry verbally stims in. Also, if you have children or pets, you will notice how pleasant it is that the whole household gets to wake and experience Rylan's verbal stims together. What a feeling of community!

Lastly, thank you. Thank you for reminding me that there is not a single day that I can rest on my laurels in the secure knowledge that my son's many special needs are taken care of and I can just relax and get to the usual parenting business of helping my kids grow up happy, healthy, and kind. This has been a fight from the beginning and it will be a fight until the end, and I will never, not for a moment lay down my sword and allow soulless mercenary shit-eating vipers like yourself to deny my son what he needs to get along in a world that doesn't understand him.

So, you'll let me know when you'd like me to drop him off, okay?

Sincerely,

Pissed-off Mom